A month later: Reflections on 4K

Well, it’s somehow been a month since we arrived at Baker Beach so I’m finally sitting down and forcing myself to write this reflection post I’ve had drafted for weeks. To subscribers who kept up with daily updates, sincere apologies for how behind I got during the last week of the trip. At first I favored spending time with my team over blogging (which I don’t regret in the slightest), but then the trip was over and I was struggling to get myself to write and publish. I now realize this was my subconscious at play, not wanting to finish my last few days of posts because doing so would mean the trip was really and truly over.

That has been the hardest part of this past month– accepting that my 4K experience has come to an end. There is something so deeply upsetting in coming to such an abrupt end of something that so quickly became normal. Just as quickly I was dumped back into the real world, where I had to confront real-world problems and responsibilities I had been ignoring, grapple with the fact that my friends and family will never truly get what the 4K means to me no matter how much I talk about it, and unlearn constantly talking in a British accent.

It’s impossible to truly convey 4K in words but I hope that the speech I included in my Day 70 post helps speak to how special this experience was and how lucky I feel to be a part of this team. Never again will I wake up at 4 AM in a church courtyard, solicit food donations for 30 people, precisely pack my duffle so it’ll just barely zip, chalk out directions on a road, or take a sweaty nap on a tarp in a public park. Or, maybe I will do some of those things again, but it still won’t be with my team in the places we biked to together. I experienced some of the happiest and hardest moments of my life during those 70 days. The rides were long but the days went by quickly, and I would give anything to have just one more day. I can only relate this feeling to the end of my marching band career, suddenly having 8 years worth of skills, practice, and routine that I didn’t get to use anymore. Only with 4K it was an all-encompassing, 24/7 experience that I simply do not get to experience anymore. It’s been jarring to say the least.

Most saddening to me has been what feels like the loss of my team. As a director (who is safety-oriented and a little paranoid) I spent much of the summer focused on their safety and well-being, keeping tabs on everyone and how they were doing almost every hour of every day. It felt like a burden at times and it’s nice to have a break from the responsibility, but I find myself wanting that responsibility. Everyone has returned to their normal lives, setting out on their own adventures and making their own plans, and it hurts to not be able to do that together.

More than that, I just miss them. I miss their company and their senses of humor, I miss their support and encouragement and drive. We accomplished some truly extraordinary things together and forged some unbreakable bonds. As I walked around San Francisco in the days after arrival I found myself searching for their faces everywhere I went. It might sound dramatic but the emotions I felt saying goodbye and adjusting to life without them honestly felt like grief. Thankfully we can still connect virtually, but our friendships have never been dependent on technology or phones. Connecting virtually instead of face-to-face has certainly taken some getting used to, and admittedly hasn’t happened as much as I’d hoped.

In many ways I feel like I’ve slipped back into the person I was before the trip, which has been frustrating. I think I put a lot of unrealistic expectations on this trip in terms of personal growth and transformation. I had only had four days at home in Maryland before needing to move to Albany just a week after arrival, and then started classes two days later. That transition has honestly not been great for me as I grapple with the fact that my day-to-day simply isn’t exciting anymore and try to get my academic PhD-brain functioning again. I’ve kept up with journaling like I did on the trip and my entries are pathetically short. It’s very easy to beat myself up about how little I seem to accomplish compared to the huge feats we tackled daily on 4K, or the fact that I still haven’t established a solid routine for school, but I would be lying to myself if I said that I am not fundamentally changed because of 4K. Here are some of the ways 4K has changed my life:

My priorities have shifted. I learned that I can live with little, find comfort in uncomfortable situations, and do anything if I have the support of my friends. I care less about what people think of me and the things I can’t control in life and so, so much more about enjoying little moments, spending time with the people I love, and myself.

I experience emotions differently. I think I unlocked new emotions on 4K. I experienced the full spectrum, from my highest high to my lowest low. Truthfully, I’ve been sad very often recently. I’ve talked about it with Bailey and Grace, and we agreed that after experiencing the high highs, it’s a little depressing to not feel that way anymore. It’s usually a type of sadness that makes me feel grateful to have had those experiences, though.

With being sad has come a lot of crying. Some things that have made me cry post-4K:

• The sight of the Golden Gate Bridge
• Thinking or talking about favorite memories (I legitimately cannot talk about summiting Trail Ridge with Bailey without crying)
• Live Like You Were Dyin’ by Tim McGraw (evokes UGLY sobs every time) and most of the songs on my “4K not ok” playlist, which I listen to when I really want to wallow
• Randomly finding “4K” chalked on the sidewalk on campus

I have a deeper appreciation and respect for nature. We saw some of the most incredible sights in the country on this trip. As someone who had never been west of Colorado and had never been to a National Park, that was eye-opening. It’s difficult to comprehend that landscapes like Bryce Canyon or Zion NP are in the same country as the landscapes we started out in (I appreciate those more, too!). I’ve been making more of an effort to get outside and explore just because it makes me happy. This past weekend I went out for a hike in a nearby state park and felt a type of peace I hadn’t felt since the trip.

Similarly, I have a deeper appreciation for the little things. Cool breezes, sunlight filtering through tree leaves, wildflowers, a good snack, a nice nap, and on and on and on. There is so much beauty in the world and 4K taught me how to slow down and enjoy it all.

I have a desire to do good. Most days, it feels difficult to see the value in what I’m doing. Each day on 4K we had a clear goal, a clear motivation and a “why”. It felt good to do good, and at this stage in my life I don’t experience that every day. This trip showed me that I can make a difference in the world, even if I just make one person’s day a little better.

I’m not as picky of an eater. This is a silly one but it’s true! Eventually I reached a point where I was too hungry and too tired to care that there was a tomato on my sandwich. We ate whatever our hosts were serving up, and often transported leftovers by… questionable means. I still treat fresh fruit or veggies as precious goods. Days-old unrefrigerated pizza is fair game, always. #4KOK. Please enjoy this slideshow of iconic 4K eats:

My definition of “hard” has changed completely. Climbing up mountains will do that for you! A 3-mile walk to campus is reasonable, I make note of hills I see around town so I can come back and ride them, and not much phases me anymore. I have yet to experience a day as chaotic and logistically challenging as most of the days on 4K (take Day 3 as an example). There are many difficulties in real life but when you put them up against climbing mountains, watching your friends wreck and deal with injuries, losing a loved one to cancer and not getting to say goodbye because you’re riding cross-country… for cancer, trying to ride while recovering from COVID, and the general challenge of getting 30 young adults on bikes across the entire country… they don’t seem so bad.

I don’t feel the same way about biking. A lot of people have asked if I think I’ll ride as much as I did before the trip. The short answer is no– as soon as I decided to do 4K every ride became training, so I was motivated to ride to get in shape. I don’t have that motivation now but I do still love to be on a bike. It still makes me happy, but a little sad now, too. I’ve only been on one true ride since I got back and it just wasn’t the same– I was alone? I had to plan my own route? I didn’t have a support van? I had to turn around??? I will always love riding, but I will always miss riding on 4K.

I’ve gotten a few questions about the blog, too. I don’t plan to blog regularly about daily life but if you’re subscribed I hope you’ll stick around, as I may use this site as a way to document any future adventures or 4K-related experiences. This blog means a lot to me and I still find myself making mental notes as if I’m still sharing daily summaries, but for the time being I just don’t think daily life is worth a blog post.

I have two more posts on deck but this feels like a true endpoint for my 4K blogs. Thank you all so much for reading and supporting me. Every donation, share, and comment has meant the world to me. I couldn’t have done this without you, truly.

Until next time, whenever that may be!

Lauren

P.S.- You can still donate to my fundraiser, and I’m less than $200 from my goal! Every amount helps :)